[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
You Might Also Like
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
plums roundup
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show