The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers