Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Realize this:
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.