What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!