Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
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Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats