Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Brb my Sims are getting married
School be like
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I cannot call her anything else now
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..