Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You Might Also Like
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If a snake ate a cake
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.