My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Just a friendly reminder!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
They did not miss in the small print
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *