5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You Might Also Like
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!