piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You Might Also Like
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume