Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
birds and squirrels envy us