This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Good morning
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
🚲+physics = winner
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla