I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
stop
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?