*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…