Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
my professor scared me for a second
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.