HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Happy thanksgiving!
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.