I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Feels like the fourth month in January
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”