[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Tier 3 meme
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.