then why did i get this email
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I am all good here, 😂😉
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.