Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Always
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.