Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge