Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Breaking news:
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
No, I don’t think I will.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent