[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
umm…
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle