“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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Wait a second…
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
The smoothest fall of all time
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Worlds greatest photobomb
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
nobody’s gonna understand
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.