[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.