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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on