Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I was up all night reading about insomnia
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube