without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose