Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
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Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My birthstone is kidney
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION