FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.