DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I am HOWLING at this