Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
You Might Also Like
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
#titanic
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.