Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Left at a local drug store…
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt