in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
lol
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.