I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Facebook memories be like
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?