Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
never compromise your values
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.