The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.