“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.