If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.