*jazz hands*
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
#Caturday
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Tony Hawk, age 6