Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
It do be feeling this way.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Writing, She Murdered.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
❤️🦆