Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My good tweets are in my other pants.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.