“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
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People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
President The Rock Obama