When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
no cat here
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
fly smarter, not harder
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.