My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Catercrombie & Fish
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
This kid is a star!
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.