Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
A classic…
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.