Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Snapes on a plane.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I know a bad idea when I see one.