Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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I’m Sold!
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Huge, if true.