Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
You Might Also Like
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
We’re all getting idioter.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”