2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
#FunnyLife Insects
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’